Sit This One Out.

I'm thinking back to an exchange I had with publisher Steve Shaw years at a convention some years ago. And I can't even remember exactly the exchange was, but I do remember a key part was on the status quo and how things might not be possible because of how things were done. To which my answer was, 'Yeah? So?'

Let's be clear from the off; this wasn't a beef or an argument. A discussion, a chat; the kind of thing that often happens at a convention. The reason why I remember this now is because of a similar conversation with fellow author Erik Hofstatter. Every once in a while, this man - who apparently dwells in the wilds of Kent, drinking mead and terrorising the locals - will swing by the capital so we can catch up for rum and nachos. How times have changed: no rum for me now, since I'm mostly teetotal and the nachos had no guacamole.

Anyhow.

Once again, time at The Shakespeare pub in Victoria. And while Erik gives me the V-sign, my expression is down to the chicken goujon I'm holding ...rather than grilled chicken breast, which is preferable. Picture courtesy of Erik Hofstatter.

At some point, the conversation turns to the issue of awards, and at the time of writing this, Erik is currently in the running for an Elgin Award. Given that I now attend StokerCon in person every year, Erik asks me if I'm interested in winning an award. To which, the answer was, "Fuck, yeah, I want it all."

And here's the thrust of this entry.

There's a thing I'm aware of in the business of writing - certainly in the indie horror genre community - called 'imposter syndrome.' That you and/or your work and/or your method aren't good enough or don't belong. That's not something I subscribe to. I get why some individuals may feel that way and I appreciate that some people are wired differently which may result in not only feeling that way but staying that way. But here's a thing I learned at an early age: the world isn't going to stop because you want to 'sit this one out.'

This is where I went off on one.

Again, this wasn't an argument, this is a discussion/chat between peers. For the record, I love Erik to bits; his craft is unique, he's dedicated, good-humoured and all the good stuff. Plus - and he knows this is coming - if you haven't read his novella Rare Breeds, unfuck that situation right now and go buy a copy. That means 'buy it and read it,' rather than just beef up your TBR pile. Anyhow. But when it comes to motivation and, as one of my previous bosses said when I worked as an analyst, "What does good look like?" - we have different objectives.

Mine is to make enough money from the business of writing to at least do it comfortably. Erik pitched that he didn't want to be beholden to the craft in a such a way that the joy of the craft would cave to having to pay the bills, so to speak. But, are these two things mutually exclusive? And there's the rub: if I'M doing this, I want to be good enough at it that I can do this comfortably, without fretting about how I'm going to get the next bill paid. And when you ask me if I'm interested in winning an award, the answer is 'fuck, yes.' That doesn't mean I want to you to just give me an award because of a misplaced sense of entitlement, or hurt feelings that no one is checking my work, or any other such reason you want to throw into the mix. No. I'll earn my place, and I'll earn my spot.

But this is where I feel some authors do themselves a disservice. Because if you feel you don't belong, you might skip going to a particular convention. Never been before? Fine, sit this one out. Don't think your work belongs in an open submission call which already has some big names accepted? Sit this one out. Don't know if your work is good enough for a particular publication? Sit this one out. Don't think your work is worthy of submission for award consideration? Sit this one out.

Maybe it begs the question that if you're gonna 'sit this one out', what are you even doing in the vicinity? The world won't stop just because you want to get off. And, as such, I guarantee that there'll be others who'll happily take your spot because you decided to 'sit this one out.' And you're gonna give them a free pass? Fuck off.

This doesn't mean that I will trample over others to get what I want. On the flipside, it doesn't mean than I will reach out a helping hand to everyone. I will, for the most part, reach out a helping hand to anyone - but not everyone.

The point here is that if you aren't believing in your craft and/or your method, then don't be surprised if it doesn't land you those rewards. As one of my guys told me many years ago, back when we were young and Afro'd, "If you continue to do what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always got." If you aren't actively putting yourself in front of your audience - be it the audience of your peers or the wider audience - then, don't be surprised if they overlook you. With that in mind, I continue to put myself out there, literally, since I now attend StokerCon in person every year.

These are, indeed, progressive times, but as a black male horror author from London, UK, I appreciate I may be a minority in the wider collective of horror creators - certainly in terms of representation when I show up at various events and conventions. And, yet, there are those who still don't know my name or what I do. I don't say this out of a sense of entitlement, rather a statement of progress. Until such time as a majority recognise who I am, or know what I've written, or I've racked up how many awards, blah, blah, blah, I've got a lot of work to do. And, as such, I'll keep putting myself out there.

If you feel putting yourself out there is too much? You're welcome to 'sit this one out.'

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